You just made me feel so damn special
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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