Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
