Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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