Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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