When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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