Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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