All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
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dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
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Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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