and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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