Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
