the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
