The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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