Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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