Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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