He uses pillows to masturbate.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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