I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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