its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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