I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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