I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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