He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
