I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
FUCK WHALES
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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