I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
