Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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