Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
