dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
