he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
