I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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