There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
