when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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