we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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