How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
