I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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