I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
