Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
