there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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