...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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