Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
