I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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