i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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