This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
