I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
