Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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