he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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