So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
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you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
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A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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