The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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