I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
