1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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