I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
