have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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