MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
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He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
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I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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