yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
