I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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