i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
